


How to Woo Sociopaths and Influence Acolytes without Even Trying

by sirenofodysseus



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Death Threats, Dick Pics, Explaining Sex to the Clueless, F/F, Lorelei Martins is a badass wingman, M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Red John's impressed by the lighting in the CBI men's bathroom, Stockholm Syndrome, Suave Red John, Texting, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 00:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8869600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenofodysseus/pseuds/sirenofodysseus
Summary: If he had no interest in keeping Patrick alive before, well, that all changed with one extremely good shot in a CBI bathroom. Crack!fic.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know anymore? I think there's a lot more comfort than hurt here, so, haha. As always, thanks to the people who remind me that I probably should write crack!fic every so often. It keeps my blood pressure low. 
> 
> Written to fulfill my FREE SPACE in H/C bingo -- the prompt, in case you are wondering, is "Stockholm Syndrome".

            For the seventh time in two hours, Red John sighed. Lorelei, in disdain, jerked her head upwards from her book to grimace at him.

            “What?” Lorelei asked which had Red John glancing at her with a frown.

            “There’s trouble in paradise, Lore,” Red John explained.

            “Why? Did you have to explain anal sex to O’Laughlin again?” Red John sputtered in response. “I thought it was pretty self-explanatory. Peg A goes into Slot B. I’m not even _going_ at anyone right now, but isn’t that how almost all sexual positions work?”

            “No,” Red John answered, shuddering at the memory. He was _many_ things to his acolytes, but he hadn’t wanted to be a sexual guru. He hadn’t even _wanted_ to describe sex to O’Laughlin, but the idiot had been persistent in his desire for Special Agent Kimball Cho. “Patrick won’t text me back.”

            Lorelei rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why you’re so hung up on that string bean, sir. He and his lap dog don’t impress.” Her nonchalant tone had him chuckling. Lorelei would never say it aloud, but she was _just_ as enamored by Teresa Lisbon as he was by Patrick Jane. Her problem, however, seemed to be with the fact Lisbon (according to Patrick) kept denying her sexuality.

            “Just because Teresa insists she’s straight doesn’t mean she is, so there’s no need for the cattiness.” Lorelei sighed before Red John glanced at his cellphone. “Am I trying too hard, Lorelei?”

            “Let me see your phone.” Red John handed it to her and in silence, he watched as she scrolled through his messages to Patrick until she abruptly glanced up at him. “You tried to seduce him by sending _lyrics_ to _Hotel California_?” Lorelei furrowed her brows, as she eyed the phone’s screen again. “ _You can come anytime you’d like, but you can never leave._ Winky face.” She glanced back at him. “What are you trying to tell him? That if he has sex with you, he’ll catch some unshakable venereal disease? Or, your ass will become like a Chinese finger trap? What a romantic you are, sir.”

            Red John blanched. He had thought it was flirty (not to mention clever), not disturbing!

            “Some lovers send pictures of their dicks; you send song lyrics?” Lorelei shook her head, before her fingers swept across the keypad of his phone. Red John shot from his seat.

            “Lorelei!”

            “You want his dick in you or not?” Lorelei asked, as his eyes widened. “Then stand up, _shut up_ and remove your pants.”

 

::::

 

            “ _Whoa_ ,” Lorelei suddenly said, forcing Red John to glance up from _his_ book, hours after the initial text. “If I didn’t play for my own team, I’d be all over this.” Lorelei threw the phone back to him and Red John nearly shit himself. If he had no interest in keeping Patrick alive before, well, that all changed with one _extremely_ good shot in a CBI bathroom. Who knew the public sector had _such_ great lighting? “Hell, Craig would be _all_ over this—and he’s currently doing what _he thinks_ is fucking Agent Cho.” Lorelei glanced upwards toward the ceiling. “Or what I _assume_ is fucking.” She glanced back at him. “You _probably_ should have gone into foreplay a little bit more, but that’s just my…”

            “Have I told you how much I appreciate you, Lorelei?” Red John asked her, still staring at the photograph. He had honestly been surprised at how this whole “texting” thing between he and his “mortal enemy” had been going, for the past few weeks. When Lorelei had introduced them and Red John had managed to persuade Jane away from killing him—note: shoving your tongue _down_ the throat of your enemy works wonders, really—he hadn’t expected the two of them to well, flirt. While Lorelei had called it “Stockholm syndrome”, he had just pointed out he’s a charming and _suave_ individual, much to Lorelei’s annoyance.

            “Well, _you_ did threaten to kill me earlier,” Lorelei pointed out, pausing her earlier thought. “But I assume it’s just because you haven’t had sex in _weeks_ and you’re probably horny.” She glanced at him again. “Perhaps, fucking Patrick Jane will turn you into a _good little boy_. I might even get dental insurance out of this _magnificent_ deal.”

            Red John grimaced. “And now, I want to kill you again.” He caught Lorelei’s grin, which made him roll his eyes. “I want to drown you in your own blood and kill _puppies_ in front of you.”

            “Don’t be so dramatic,” Lorelei shot back, before she glanced thoughtfully at him. “You know, for California’s most _terrifying_ serial killer, as decided on by the people of California; I would _think_ you’d have better threats than just puppy killing and tuberculosis.” Red John rolled his eyes again. “But then again, what do I know? I’m neither suave _nor_ charming…”

            “If you were,” Red John idly commented. “You could probably get Teresa Lisbon all on your own, instead of begging me to _kidnap_ her for you.” Red John shook his head again. “I mean, _really_. Resorting to _forcing_ her to love you? Whatever happened to the old days of romance?” He glanced upwards with a small smile, remembering his first dates and the terrifying outcomes. “The days of wining, fine dining and if it all goes well, decorating your halls with their large intestine and blood.”

            Lorelei made a face at his continued revelry. “Remind me to never ask you for decorating _or_ relationship advice.”

            “Duly noted.”


End file.
